Welcome to my sloppyperfect world

a tale of the hesitant explorer

The beginning of something new. A home for my sloppyperfect explorations about creativity, procrastination and perfectionism. And how nature’s metaphors can cure perfectionism or not.

Once upon a time, on a sunny afternoon when I lived in Frankfurt, I started writing a story. I was inspired by a coaching session I had earlier that day, and this idea of a mystical weaver and a hesitant explorer was percolating in my head. You see, I wanted to be that mystical weaver making beautiful things with my hands. Unfortunately, the reality was quite different.  This story sat untouched in my draft for all these (oh my gosh, really?!) 2944 days until I was looking for something in my writing folder and came across it accidentally and serendipitously.  My first thought was “oh it was just a few years ago, not a big deal”, and then I plugged in the dates in the calculator and voila… The number 2944 days was staring right back at me, dare I say, judgmentally (and I don’t blame it). It is afterall, 8 years and 22 days. Almost an eternity. 

Of course I have plenty of excuses why it sat there in my folder all these years. I moved multiple times and have lived on 3 continents during that time. I took a sabbatical from corporate life, started a few businesses, became an artist, had my heart broken a few times, survived emotional rollercoasters.  You know, life. Just like it is for many people. But the reality is I completely forgot about that story, and I’m a much better starter than I am a finisher.  It was one of the many stories I started… some ended after a few pages, some have 30,000 words already in them. But they all sat abandoned. Just like I have about 20 paintings all suspended in mid brush stroke, almost done or almost framed. 

And finally I decided to get to the bottom of this perpetual chronic abandonment and overthinking.  Is it perfectionism? Is it lack of discipline? Is it a fear of failure? Or have I actually become a hesitant overcalculating explorer just like in that story? 

Let me also add a few disclaimers, so you know what to expect going forward. 

Disclaimer:   The focus of this writing and creative exploration is not to be grammatically correct with a proper usage of Oxford commas.  I do like starting sentences with “but” and having run on sentences. This is a deliberate practice to be cultivated to become a better writer and creative and get to know myself in a deeper and much more expressive way. 

I want this to be a safe space to express how my mind works, how I feel about creativity and how expressing it can hopefully uncover the layers of myself that I didn’t know existed. I am not here to censor my writing and have a million drafts trying to polish it to its perfection. This is truly a sloppyperfect production from one abandoned story to the next, all while searching for the elusive feeling of aliveness and how to be wildly expressive in my own way. 

And while I read a lot of books on creativity, joy ,discipline, habits, etc and will probably reference quite a bit from what I learn from others,  this is a study of one. 

Also, I don’t want to stay this hesitant explorer forever . I’d rather set sail and learn from my mistakes. So enough of calculating possibilities. Let’s dive in.  Also depth vs breadth. Or as much as I can. Feel free to call me on it.